Dealing with Problem People

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
October 15, 2009

In a recent skit on his new show, Jay Leno asked, "Have you ever noticed how people in our society feel compelled to share their every thought with you?" He featured a mini commercial in which rude people made comments that are unfortunately too common. Then it said, 'We have a solution … duct tape!" And each of the same people were featured with duct tape across their mouths while its benefits were recounted! It was pretty funny and hit at the heart of what we sometimes wish we could do with problem people!

However, it's only a fantasy solution and not allowable in a polite society!! So, how can we learn to deal with problem people effectively? How do we "listen deeply, assume best intentions, look for common ground, reinforce and expect people's best behavior, and thoughtfully identify people's real needs in relationships?" as I talked about last time? It's the opposite of using duct tape. We first need to listen –and connect - to ourselves as well as to the other person!

Sometimes we "react" to others because of past experiences we have had. Words have hurt or offended us in the past. Behaviors trigger emotions that we are uncomfortable with. Inner "alarm bells" go off. We sense a possible confrontation and look for a way to avoid the situation or confront someone rather than feel as helpless or misunderstood as we have before. Our experiences and our inborn temperament traits have a lot to do with our reactions, according to research.

Some of us have "fearful" or shy or "slow to warm up" tendencies in public situations, especially with people we don't know very well. Others of us are easy going and have rarely met a stranger. We take things in stride and are generally in a good mood. Nothing much bothers us. We're flexible and it's easier for us to let irritations "roll off our backs."

Still, others of us are "feisty" or "spirited" or "intense." We feel things on a deeper level and are more sensitive to the lights, noises, and gestures of the crowds of people around us. About thirty-five percent of us are a combination of these three temperament types. So, what stresses one of us out doesn't necessarily stress someone else out. Also, what works to calm us doesn't necessarily calm someone else. But, we all need to learn some self-control to build our social awareness and get along better with others. Connecting with our own emotions/thoughts and seeking to understand someone else's behavior are some of the first steps toward listening deeply and assuming best intentions.

Stephen Covey's describes a very helpful habit to cultivate in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. His fifth habit is "listen with the intent to understand, then to be understood."

Understanding the heart of what someone is saying to you requires that you reflect back to that person what you hear without judgment or criticism. You might start with "I heard you saying …" and ask if that is correct. You might end with, "Did I hear you correctly?"

Give the person a chance to respond back to you. You might, as outlined in Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) classes, hand a square floor tile or piece of paper back and forth symbolizing that the person speaking has the "floor" and only they are allowed to talk. Repeat the process until you have a clear understanding of what that person is feeling or saying. When they feel they have been understood, you can then ask for the other person to repeat the process so they understand you.

This process is one tool to help us identify the emotions and intentions we have rather than telling someone how to feel or think. It is helpful to use in work and personal situations when finding workable solutions to problems is critical. It's a process that can even be taught to children and works in parenting situations about forty per cent of the time according to research. It reveals the real issues at hand and fosters respect by allowing for both sides to be heard, common ground to be identified, and best behavior to be brought forth. It also sets a great example of how to handle conflicts, a skill that is valuable throughout our life time. It's also easiest to learn as a child.

We adults without adequate interpersonal skills, poor emotional controls, and/or little insight as to how people see us CAN change our behaviors as adults, but only by deliberately making an effort and taking the necessary time to do so. We need our heads and our hear t to connect in relationships, especially those that we want to last a lifetime. It takes time to work on ourselves as well as gather the necessary information about a person we are interested in before we give our heart to them!