Couple relationships are important to most people for at least some part of their lives, with most having a serious, committed relationship during their adulthood. Happy, contented couples are at the center of many healthy families and are one important foundation for growing children. Like many parts of family life, we are not born knowing the skills for having a good couple relationship, but we can work on these if we try. With this first edition of Love Notes, we hope to focus on ways to keep couple relationships strong and growing. This issue examines something that worries many couples: time together.

Research shows that couples who do things together are more satisfied than those who do not. Couples who spend very little time together, for example those with children who work second or third shifts, can lose track of each other and are at higher risk for relationship problems. Couples who are with each other more tend to be happier in their relationships. The more couples do normal everyday things together, like eating, doing chores and projects, and going to visit friends, the happier they are. Many studies find this to be true for men as well as women. What is most important is that both people agree on the amount of time to spend together.

Social interaction among family members provides the glue that binds them together. ~Harriet Presser

In today's busy world, it is tempting to pack as much into our "couple time" as possible. This may be especially true for couples with children in the home or those with demanding work schedules. It can be comforting to cling to the old saying that "the quality of time is more important than the amount of time" spent together. However, experts who work with couples caution us that this is not exactly true.

It is not enough, though, just to "be together." This is where the "quality" of couple time becomes important. We know that these times together should be as positive as possible and not filled with nitpicking and putting each other down. When couples are mean-spirited or vicious to each other constantly, relationships can be destroyed over time

There are several types of couple activities.

Independent: These are activities that each partner does separately from the other, with others or alone. Apart from work, these are often hobbies, volunteering, etc. The individuals in couples should not feel that they need to spend all their free time doing something together. Partners with some different interests can be quite happy and satisfied together. This is especially true when each supports the other's activities, hobbies, or interests.

Parallel: These are activities that two people do at the same time and even in the same area but not really together. A couple might eat together but not be connected to each other at all (not talking, not looking at each other). Another example might be watching a movie at the same time but not talking about it. Doing a lot of this kind of "alone while together" activity can fool us into thinking that we are spending enough time together when we may need more high quality couple time.

Joint: Couples doing joint activities are highly connected to each other. They may be talking, looking at each other, planning, and integrating individual contributions. Examples include cooking, eating, and cleaning up after a meal together, talking, or planning for the future.

Couple activities can be of the everyday variety, the kind that are regular and routine without a lot of complicated planning. They do not need to cost a lot or be formal. Examples are normal meals, going for walks, doing a house project, or meeting on the porch for coffee. These are the backbone that allow couple relationships to remain strong and connected. There are also the less common but still important "out-of-the-ordinary" activities such as special date nights, vacations, or doing something new together like taking a class. These activities break up the ordinary and keep a relationship exciting and fresh. Both kinds of activities can help couples stay strong.

Author: Angela Wiley, Ph.D., Family Life Specialist

• Plan time for a date with your loved one next week.
• Do a sudden act of kindness for your partner the next time you are together.
• Go for a walk together after your next meal.